Lange wurde gemutmaßt: Gibt es noch einen weiteren Kandidaten? Heute ist einer dazugekommen: Am Nachmittag landeten mehrere Helikopter landeten auf dem Gelände des FC Chelsea Neukölln. Aus einem stieg US-Präsident Donald Trump aus. Er ging geradewegs in die Geschäftsstelle. Als er wieder herauskam gab er vor den mitgereisten Journalisten folgende Erklärung ab:
My fellow members of FC Chelsea Neukölln — truly the greatest, boldest, most wonderfully dramatic club members in the entire known universe — gather close, because this is BIG.

People have been begging me to run. Bending knees, shedding tears, writing poems.
“Please, sir, run for president! You’re the only one who can save this club from itself!”

And after thinking very carefully — for about seven seconds — I said:
“Absolutely. I’ll do it. I’ll save you.”

So yes, it’s official:
I am running for President of FC Chelsea Neukölln.
The next assembly won’t be a meeting. It’ll be a cultural event. A festival. Possibly a spiritual awakening. We’ll need bigger chairs. Maybe a medic, just in case someone faints from all the winning energy.

But let me talk about Kalle — wonderful Kalle.
Very special guy. Tremendously… enthusiastic.

This is the man who dragged me into the club. He shoved the membership papers at me like they were a limited-edition sneaker drop. He said, “You MUST join! You MUST!”
Very dramatic. Almost Shakespearean.

And — let’s be honest — he had another little idea too:
He asked me for money.
Yes, folks, he wanted me to fund his campaign.
Classic Kalle. Very ambitious. Very optimistic. Very… Kalle.

But I told him,
“Kalle, I don’t bankroll other candidates when I can run myself. Why finance a bicycle when I’m a Ferrari?”

Now, after that, he kept talking — really fast, really emotional — waving his arms, making all kinds of gestures. I couldn’t understand a word. Not one. Maybe it was excitement, maybe he swallowed a pretzel, I don’t know.

But I decided to take it as a sign. A message.
He must want me to run.
Probably what he said was, “YOU should be president!”
At least that’s what I heard. Or chose to hear. Same thing, really.

And here’s the thing, folks — this is the part nobody wants to say, but I say the things nobody wants to say:
Now that I’m running…
Kalle is going to lose.
Absolutely, totally, overwhelmingly lose.
Not even close.
He’ll look at the results and say, “How did this happen?”
And we’ll all say, “Well… you ran against me.”

So sad. Very sad. Tremendously sad.
But also — let’s be honest — a little bit funny.

So here we are.
Thank you, Kalle — truly inspiring in a very confusing, slightly noisy way.

And now that I’m in this race, let me tell you what’s coming:
We will lift this club up.
We will rescue it from the relegation cliff.
We will bring back power, pride, style — everything this club lost and everything it deserves.

Because, ladies and gentlemen,
FC Chelsea Neukölln is about to get GREAT — hilariously, enormously, unbelievably great.

Thank you. Tremendous energy. Tremendous people. Tremendous everything.
Daraufhin stieg er mit seinem Tross in wieder in die bereitstehenden Helikopter und flog weg.